Whether you’re at the end of your coffee, your day, your week or even your rope party, welcome to Whitt’s End…
*Besides nothing, what do the Dallas Mavs do this offseason? What exactly was the plan? What is the plan, exactly?
Even Luka Doncic’s close pal Goran Dragic turned Dallas down because he wanted him to be… a cheerleader?
*At this point, the Mavs need someone – someone – to lift the spirits of our offseason before the warm, fuzzy feelings of May’s run to the Western Conference Finals totally evaporate. Perhaps a complex deal involving a 35-year-old playmaker would do the trick?
*Welcome to Dog Days, a stagnant summer period where our thermometers live above 100, the Dallas Cowboys are weeks away from training camp, the Dallas Mavericks are busy doing nothing in free agency and the Texas Rangers are struggling under .500 entering the All-Star break.
The only cure for high heat and dead sports is a…debate?
Was talking — and then arguing — with a buddy this week about which sport requires the most athleticism. He pretended it was hockey. And I remembered once upon a time Texas Motor Speedway boss Eddie Gossage trying to persuade me that NASCAR drivers were not just athletes, but better athletes than football players.
Got me thinking (i.e. killing time), what sport really has the best athletes in the world?
Football requires strength and speed, but minimizes stamina. Basketball requires agility and endurance, but minimizes strength. Hockey requires skating and fighting. And baseball? Basically just some hand-eye coordination and the ability to constantly spit.
In which sport would the combined athletes win a Superstars team competition? Grab a cold beer and engage in a lively debate.
My ranking of all known sports on an athletic scale of 1 to 10:
SPORT RANK COMMENT
Sportswriting -0.1 Those who can’t play, write.
Fishing 0.0 Sitting and drinking.
Quarters 0.1 Sitting, drinking and laughing.
Spelling Bee 0.2 Up and thinking.
Archery 0.3 One finger.
Poker 0.3 sunglasses, interior.
Video Gaming 0.4 Multiple fingers.
Darts 0.5 One hand.
Paper-Rock-Scissors 0.7 Two hands.
Eating 0.8 Two hands, active jaws.
Billiards 0.8 Better when drunk.
Bowling 1.0 Much better when you’re drunk.
Curling 1.1 Sliding motion.
Cricket 1.2 Dockers and tea breaks.
Motor Racing 1.2 Sitting in vibrant heat. But still, sit down.
Frisbee Golf 1.3 Movement via walking.
Weightlifting 1.4 Stationary grunt.
Golf 1.5 Movement via a longer walk.
Motorcycle Racing 1.5 Passively moved; not actively moving.
Horse Racing 1.6 Movement through power, not manpower.
Skydiving/BASE 1.7 Jumping, landing and courage.
Paintball 1.8 Sporadic running and diving.
Badminton 1.8 Speed and jump.
Skateboard 1.9 Press Start.
Bobsleding 2.0 Push the start with a heavier object.
Gender 2.1 Further research required.
Rowing/Kayaking 2.2 Endurance by monotonous movement.
Swimming 2.3 Endurance by monotonous movement, without oars.
Ping Pong 2.4 Cardio and creativity.
Softball 2.7 What are the basics, like 18 feet away?
Scroll to continue
Rodeo 2.8 Animals do most of the heavy lifting.
Ski 3.0 Chaos controlled.
Ice Skating 3.5 Jump on skates.
Snowboard 3.7 Uncontrolled Chaos, with balance.
Fencing 4.0 Constant movement in the midst of danger.
Surfing 4.6 Paddling. Crouched. Balancing. Struggle.
Cheerleading 4.7 Pyramids, not smoothing.
Cycling 4.9 Legs and lungs.
Racquetball 5.0 Hand-eye coordination with speed.
Wrestling 5.2 Fuck your brother for two minutes.
Scope 5.3 High jumpers, not shot putters
Handball 5.4 Racquetball, without the racket.
Baseball 5.5 Two words: Baby. Ruth.
Ice Hockey 5.7 Still not getting the only 90 second teams.
Volleyball 5.8 Hitting while jumping. After running.
Field Hockey 6.0 Ice hockey without the skates.
Tennis 6.5 Two words: Rafael. Nadal.
Boxing 6.8 pound for pound, still incredibly athletic.
Mixed Martial Arts 7.0 Add kicks and it’s better than a pound.
Good Sex 7.5 Initial research required.
Track 7.9 Strength, channeled into speed and stamina.
Water Polo 8.0 Seriously, how the hell do they do that?
Football 8.3 Too much time out on the bench, in groups.
Rugby 8.7 Guy-collecting-the-other-guy’s-keys?
Gymnastics 8.8 The most underrated athletes on the list.
Soccer 9.0 If only they were allowed to use their hands.
Stock 9.4 Ta-da! See above.
Basketball 9.5 Wide athletes and refined skills.
Aussie Rules Football 10.0 Football + hockey + basketball + soccer.
*Speaking of debates, you probably had a hard time accurately assess Dak Prescott. ESPN surveyed 50 NFL front office decision makers and, what do you know, he’s one of the top 10 quarterbacks.
*I bet a dime you can’t come close to naming the Last 10 Rangers — before that Martin Perez and Corey Seager this year, of course — to make the All-Star team. 2021: Joey Gallo, Adolis Garcia, Kyle Gibson; 2019: Mike Minor, Hunter Pence; 2018: Shin-Soo Choo; 2017: Yu Darvish; 2016: Ian Desmond, Cole Hammels; 2015: Prince Fielder. I totally forgot Desmond played in Arlington. Even less that he apparently played well.
*Stunned and saddened by the sudden passing this week of longtime DFW radio engineer guru Ted Nichols-Payne. During my time at 105.3 The Fan, he was the man who made me sound good, even if I had no sense. At 56 and still a keen cyclist, he collapsed outside Globe Life Field and never recovered. I’m no doctor, but I can’t help but think that he literally dropped dead was the product of long term COVID complications. When I interviewed him in August 2020 from his hospital bed, it was chilling. RIP, NPT.
*It’s not the Cowboys blowing their own Super Bowl horn. This is media touting Dallas as one of 12 teams with a legitimate chance of winning Super Bowl LVII.
*Depending mainly on your place of birth and/or your place of residence, you think our universe is either 6,000 years old or 13.8 billion years old. Given this drastic divide, it’s amazing that we’d agree on anything. Science, for what it’s worthtook another step this week to prove his point.
*Despite being both mean-spirited and funny while simply trying to avoid breaking the law, this Plano woman makes a pretty savvy point: Considering Texas law that legally recognizes “life” at conception, should the unborn baby in her womb count as a passenger in the HOV lane? I say reject his ticket, based on creativity alone.
*I could pretend to care Sunday’s Major League Baseball Draft. Or not.
*For the most part I think DFW weather watchers are running a scam to raise the extremes and increase their importance. I understand that in winter, a strong north wind makes it colder. Wind chill, so to speak. But, given that we always fan ourselves to cool off in the summer, why doesn’t a southern breeze also feel like hell on a hot day? Instead, talking heads on TV ignore the positive effect of wind on our comfort and deliver the dreaded “heat index”. Truth: “Today’s high will be 103, but with that 15-20 mph southerly wind, it will only feel like 99.”
*As a tennis geek, I’m bothered by American drought. Once we had John McEnroe, Jimmy Connors, Andre Agassi, Pete Sampras and Jim Courier on the court at the same time. Now? The last American to win a major tournament was Andy Roddick in 2003. The last to win Wimbledon was Sampras in 2000. Other than Venus and Serena Williams – God bless them – the last American to win on grass was Lindsay Davenport in 1999. Hope, however, might be on the horizon and right in our backyard: McKinney’s 16-year-old Liv Hovde won the Wimbledon Women’s Championship last week.
*Give me people who drive slow and walk fast on those who drive fast and walk slow.
*This weekend? Friday let’s face the heat for a bit of tennis. On Sunday, let’s face the heat for a bit of golf. As always, don’t be a stranger.